


Kick My Balls

by Tachi_Sakon



Series: Civilized Sportsmen (ChatFics) [3]
Category: DAYS (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Bad Jokes, Boyfriends, Chatting & Messaging, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff, Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Language, M/M, Movie Reference, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Secret Relationship, Stupidity, established relationship(s) - Freeform, references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28236333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tachi_Sakon/pseuds/Tachi_Sakon
Summary: Short Confidence: save it for a mammal that caresRun with the Kazama: I’m a mammal that caresRead Kant Bitch:Read Kant Bitch: did you two fuckers really just quote Ice Age??
Relationships: Haibara Jirou/Inohara Susumu, Hayase Takanobu/Kokubo Mitsuru, Indou Kaoru/Narukami Shuuji, Kazama Jin/Tsukamoto Tsukushi, Kimishita Atsushi/Ooshiba Kiichi, Kisaragi Tarou/Ruka Kondou, Mizuki Hisahito/Usui Yuuta, Nakijin Shou/Nitobe Tetsuya, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Taira Genichirou/Higuchi Monotori, Yoosuke Nekotani/Shou Torikai
Series: Civilized Sportsmen (ChatFics) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1984679
Kudos: 12





	1. Capitalism

**Author's Note:**

> Names: 
> 
> Run with the Kazama: Kazama 
> 
> Stinky Cleats: Kurusu 
> 
> Burnt Yakisoba: Kimishita 
> 
> Lacking Intellectual: Ooshiba
> 
> Nitendo: Nitobe 
> 
> Green Guy: Nakijin 
> 
> Mom: Usui 
> 
> Stripper: Mizuki 
> 
> Hairstyles: Hayase 
> 
> I Do Hairstyles: Kokubo 
> 
> Tsukushi: Tsukamoto 
> 
> Short Confidence: Haibara 
> 
> Big Hub/Babe: Inohara 
> 
> Read Kant Bitch: Ubukata 
> 
> Kaoru-Chan: Kaoru 
> 
> Shuuji: Narukami 
> 
> Girly Piercings: Kisaragi 
> 
> Neko-Chan: Nekotani 
> 
> Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura): Taira 
> 
> Monkey Glasses: Higuchi

_ Short Confidence created Kick My Balls  _

_ Short Confidence added Mom, Stripper, Tsukushi, Run With the Kazama, Nitendo, Stinky Cleats, Big Hub, Hairstyles, I Do Hairstyles, Burnt Yakisoba, Read Kant Bitch, Lacking Intellectual and Green Guy to Kick My Balls  _

Short Confidence: hi everyone! 

Mom: Haibara, why 

Stripper: huh 

Green Guy: I’m going to have a major headache after this, aren’t I? 

Mom: not just you 

Green Guy: 

Mom: 

Run with the Kazama: press f for team mom and the pure grape 

Tsukushi: F! 

Stinky Cleats: what the fuck?! 

Stinky Cleats: oh and f 

Nitendo: f 

Short Confidence: why??? 

Nitendo: because you’re a mess, and when a mess creates a mess it becomes a bigger mess with gets even bigger and becomes a giant mess which then evolves— 

Mom: okay I think he gets it 

Green Guy: excuse me for saying this, but it needs to be said 

Green Guy: the fact that he created this means that he doesn’t get it 

Short Confidence: shut the fuck up you human grape 

Green Guy: excuse you senpai

Green Guy: but I am not a grape 

Run with the Kazama: TEAM VOTE! 

Run with the Kazama: x if you agree that Naki is a grape 

Run with the Kazama: and o if you agree that he isn’t 

Mom: x 

Stinky Cleats: x 

Nitendo: x 

Short Confidence: X X X X 

Run with the Kazama: wow capitalism 

Short Confidence: _**X**_ if you think that Kazama needs to stfu 

Burnt Yakisoba: X 

Read Kant Bitch: hell yeah 

Read Kant Bitch: X 

Run with the Kazama: this is fucking capitalism 

Short Confidence: save it for a mammal that cares 

Run with the Kazama: I’m a mammal that cares 

Read Kant Bitch: 

Read Kant Bitch: did you two fuckers really just quote Ice Age?? 

Short Confidence: ah fuck 

Run with the Kazama: it’s a good movie 

Mom: 

Mom: remind me why I’m here again? 

Hair Styles: because I’d go insane without you here 

Mom: 

Mom: do I care 

Hairstyles: 

Hairstyles: uSUI 

Short Confidence: oH BURN 

Mom: that applies to you too, Haibara 

Short Confidence: OOOHH DOUBLE BURN 

Big Hub: I’m dying— 

Big Hub: babe, are you dyslexic 

Short Confidence: SUSUMU 

Short Confidence: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE 

Read Kant Bitch: wait 

Read Kant Bitch: wait wait wait 

Big Hub: 

Short Confidence: what 

Read Kant Bitch:  _ babe _ ????? 

Big Hub: 

Short Confidence: 

Big Hub: 

Short Confidence: 

Mom: oh 

Mom: you rIGHT 

Short Confidence: USUI STFU 

Mom: but how they didn’t notice the gay will forever be beyond me 

Short Confidence: USUI PLS

Short Confidence: SUSUMU ERASE THAT 

Big Hub: JIROU I CANT 

Read Kant Bitch: aww first name basis 

Read Kant Bitch: cute 

Short Confidence: UBUKATA ILL KILL YOU 

Read Kant Bitch: assuming that you even could 

Short Confidence: I FUCKING HATE YOU 

Short Confidence: INOHARA

Big Hub: HAIBARA I CANT 

Short Confidence: YOU ARENT TRYING HARD ENOUGH 

Big Hub: ITS FUCKINF TEXT HOW DO YOU ERASE TEXT 

Short Confidence: I DONT FUCKING KNOW! THATS WHY IM TELLING YOU 

Stripper: you can’t erase text tho 

Mom: Hisahito shush 

Stripper: okay 

Run with the Kazama: w h i p p e d 

Mom: Kazama Jin :) 

Run with the Kazama: 

Run with the Kazama: I mean nO HOMO 

Mom: 

Stripper: 

Mom: 

Hairstyles: I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry from all this fuxgin stupidity 

Mom: cry 

Mom: because I’ll fucking expose you 

Hairstyles: aWESOME WOW 

I Do Hairstyles: TAKA PLS STAPH WITH THE DAMN KING GEORGE III SIMPING 

Hairstyles: CANT STOP WONT STOP 

Mom: but like 

Mom: dadadadada dadeedayadadada 

Stripper: Usui not you too 

Mom: yes me too 

Run with the Kazama: ight 

Run with the Kazama: I see what my duty is now 

Read Kant Bitch: stfu Bitch 

Run with the Kazama: words can’t hurt me 

_ Run with the Kazama added Kaoru-Chan, Neko-Chan, Girly Piercings, Shuuji, Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura) and Monkey Glasses to Kick My Balls  _

Read Kant Bitch: 

Read Kant Bitch: kAZAMA 

Run with the Kazama: my work here is done 

_ Run with the Kazama left Kick My Balls  _

Kaoru-Chan: hEY IT ME 

Kaoru-Chan: KAORU CHAN 

Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura): what the fuck is this? 

Neko-Chan: Kisaragi-San, help

Girly Piercings: 

Girly Piercings: what a great day to die 

Neko-Chan: kISARAGI SAN 

Shuuji: wtf 

Tsukushi: hi Narukami San! 

Shuuji: oh hey Tsukamoto! 

Nitendo: look at them, bonding already 

Read Kant Bitch: Nitobe stfu 

Shuuji: also 

Shuuji: who is babe? 

Read Kant Bitch: 

Mom: 

Short Confidence: 

Big Hub: 

Short Confidence: nO ONE IMPORTANT PLEASE GO ABOUT YOUR DAY AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED AND KINDLY FORGET YOU EVER SAW THAT 

Big Hub: it’s me 

Big Hub: I’m babe 

Short Confidence: SUSUMU WHYYYYY 

Big Hub: you know what they say

  
  
_Big Hub changed their name to Babe_

Babe: can’t beat ‘em join ‘em 

Burnt Yakisoba: what a fine day 

Burnt Yakisoba: to commit die 

Girly Piercings: isn’t it 

Lacking Intellectual: WHO WOULD DIE WITH ME AROUND 

Lacking Intellectual: I AM A HERO AFTER ALL 

Burnt Yakisoba: kill me now 

Mom: woah now 

Mom: easy on the gay


	2. Of Bananas and Birds at 2AM

Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura): wait 

Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura): before anything else,

_Stupid Bangs(Fuck You Himura) changed their name to Top 1_

Top 1: there 

Top 1: much better 

Kaoru-Chan: I DISAGREE 

Girly Piercings: I do too 

Shuuji: same 

Neko-Chan: fourthed 

Burnt Yakisoba: fifthed 

Top 1: that ain’t even a word 

Monkey Glasses: that’s what you’re worried about? 

Top 1: _Higuchi_

Monkey Glasses: I tried 

Lacking Intellectual: NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ME 

Burnt Yakisoba: 

Mom: 

Shuuji: 

Stripper: 

Monkey Glasses: Tsukamoto 

Tsukushi: oh no 

Lacking Intellectual: wHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY YOU HALF ASSED APE IN SPECTACLES 

Top 1: wow 

Top 1: he described you pretty well Higuchi 

Top 1: almost spot on I’m impressed 

Monkey Glasses: 

Monkey Glasses: Geni’ichirou

Kaoru-Chan: woahwoahwoahwoahwoajeoaheodjjdskkdjtoeodkdkdjsis 

Shuuji: Kaoru?? 

Neko-Chan: here we go again 

Girly Piercings: someone please throw a rock at me and hopefully knock me out or even better kill me 

Mom: 

Mom: what’s going on?? 

Short Confidence: rEVENGESHAHSHSJSKDK 

Babe: Jirou shhhh 

Short Confidence: sorry 

Neko-Chan: did you just— 

Short Confidence: Shh Neko-Chan 

Neko-Chan: but I 

Neko-Chan: you know what never mind forget I said anything

Kaoru-Chan: my third eye is tingling 

Shuuji: your what 

Girly Piercings: Indou— 

Neko-Chan: didn’t he do this to us when he found out Kisaragi-San? 

Girly Piercings: 

Girly Piercings: he did 

Green Guy: did what? 

Kaoru-Chan: could it be that 

Stripper: asshole Kaoru’s at it again 

Nitendo: AT WHAT 

Mom: does this happen every time people address others by first names? 

Neko-Chan: pretty much 

Mom: 

Stripper: ah 

Mom: No 

Stripper: same with our team 

Read Kant Bitch: *face palm*

Run with the Kazama: damn can you hear that kettle whistling 

Tsukushi: Kazma-Kun.. 

Kaoru-Chan: wait 

Top 1: 

Monkey Glasses: 

_Kaoru-Chan changed Top 1’s name to Banana Wife and Moneky Glasses’ name to Banana Husband_

Banana Wife: Indou Kaoru what the actual fuck 

Banana Husband: I 

Kaoru-Chan: you two are infatuated! 

Banana Husband: 

Banana Husband: Taira can I please fucking tell him 

Banana Wife: be my guest because I sure as hell ain’t gonna do it 

Kaoru-Chan: NO NEED TO TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW 

Kaoru-Chan: I THE AMAZING LOVE GURU KAORU-CHAN KNOW IT ALL 

Banana Wife: 

Banana Husband: 

Banana Wife: someone’s gotta tell him 

Mom: it won’t be me 

Mom: and don’t look at my kids or Mizuki 

Banana Wife: really living up to your name are we? 

Mom: guess I’ll die 

  
  


* * *

  


  
Hairstyles: ALRIGHT 

Hairstyles: WHO THE FUCK LET A BIRD INTO MY FUCKING ROOM 

I Do Hairstyles: **_Hayase what the fuck_**

Hairstyles: dONT “HaYASe” ME MITSURU YOU HEARD ME 

Kaoru-Chan: *le gasp* COULD IT BE 

Kaoru-Chan: ANOTHER INFATU— 

Neko-Chan: Indou shut up for a moment 

Girly Piercings: a bird?? 

Banana Wife: wHY THE FUCKITTY FUCK ARE YOU UP AT 2:09 IN THE FUCKDKSKING MORNISNSGSHKSSK 

Banana Husband: o shit 

Banana Husband: I think he’s broken 

Mom: the fuck 

Stripper: Usui come back to bed 

Short Confidence: 

Kaoru-Chan: 

Shuuji: 

Run with the Kazama: bahahaHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA 

Tsukushi: cAPTAIN 

Read Kant Bitch: *face palm* 

Neko-Chan: well 

Neko-Chan: looks like you didn’t need your third eye Indou 

Kaoru-Chan: wHatever 

Kaoru-Chan: and don’t do that “iNdOu” thing it creeps me out. Just call me Kaoru 

Stripper: Shut The Fuck Up And Let Me Sleep Idiot Kaoru 

Neko-Chan: looks like he took you up on that 

Girly Piercings: bird... 

Girly Piercings: b i r d 

Girly Piercings: oH FUCK 

Hairstyles: wHAT 

Girly Piercings: I, uh, may it may not have accidentally let my bird loose? 

Girly Piercings: into your house? 

Run with the Kazama: oh my gOSH IM DYING 

Hairstyles: HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN 

Girly Piercings: WE’RE NEIGHBORS AND I LET MY BIRD OUT FOR A LITTLE FLY DAMN IT 

Shuuji: oooo mom sweared 

Neko-Chan: *le gasp* 

Girly Piercings: I’m not your mother 

Mom: welcome to the club Kisaragi 

Girly Piercings: 

Girly Piercings: I don’t really want to but since when do I ever 

Girly Piercings: thanks ig 

Hairstyles: eNOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT AND GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND GET THIS STUPID CROW OUT OF MY ROOM 

  
Girly Piercings: jUst don’t KILL IT 

Hairstyles: THEN HURRY IT UP 

_ Girly Piercings left the chat  _

Neko-Chan: a crow? 

Shuuji: I didn’t know he had a crow 

Kaoru-Chan: Ruka got it for him for their anniversary 

Burnt Yakisoba: 

Burnt Yakisoba: what is it and all these couples coming out today 

Stinky Cleats: you mean yesterday 

Burnt Yakisoba: what 

Stinky Cleats: it’s tomorrow today so today was yesterday 

Nitendo: and yesterday was yesterday so tomorrow is today 

Burnt Yakisoba: 

Burnt Yakisoba: GO TO FUCKING SLEEP 

Run with the Kazama: sleep is for the weak 

Green Guy: 

Green Guy: when was the last time you guys had an actual nights sleep? 

Run with the Kazama: in my past life 

Banana Wife: understandable have a nice day 

Short Confidence: wtf 

Babe: don’t question what you don’t understand Jirou 

Short Confidence: touché 


End file.
